I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
