Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
