Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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