He is such a slut. More and more my type.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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