The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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