I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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