I could make wine with my vomit
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
