I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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