it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
