I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
