Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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