guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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