bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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