God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
