The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
