my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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