so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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