Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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