Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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