the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
