# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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