After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize