U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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