I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
