i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
