remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just invented taco cereal.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
