You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
