and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
