I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
