i barfeds in our rink
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
