hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
