sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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