i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wear drunk well.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
