my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
