we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize