I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
no you cant smoke seaweed
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
