I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
