Church boner. Awkwardddd
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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