my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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