She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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