There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize