My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
