i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
