Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
