Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The power of my boobs compel you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
