My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
