I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
