On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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