twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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