I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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