I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I will be naked everywhere
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
