you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
the raccoons are back...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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