At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize