I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
