she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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