dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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