I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
