I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
