Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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