420 ftw
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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